I'd rather be a hammer than a nail. - Simon and Garfunkel
im missing you @ 8:40 a.m. on 2003-02-06
The crisp snow hits the ground...pure white and glistening. The snow is rarely so beautiful here. But even this morning, the grass peaks through some places and ruins my hopes of a completely white February day.
When the flakes hit the windshield, it melts into crystal-like liquid. The dull skies reflect in my tired eyes.
I think, how I wish that it was her beside me seeing what I see. I wish that I was beside her...seeing what she sees.
I want to be with her when she's tired or stressed or feeling like procrastinating. When she falls asleep against her notebooks and homework papers, I'll throw a blanket over her shoulders, let her rest for a while and wake her by the smell of fresh coffee brewing.
I should be more grateful...I am extremely grateful but I should show it. I shouldn't complain about missing her but should be thankful that I know her and in time will hold her. And it will be perfect.
Last night, I cried. I don't know why. I was lying in bed on the brink of sleep and my eyes were itching. I just started crying and eventually fell asleep. Tears on my pillow.
I don't cry often. I cry alone. I cried in "Big Daddy" and that Clint Eastwood movie, "A Perfect World". I cried watching "Star Search" once. And when I got so angry, I hit my dad and regretted it or when the realization of PaPaw's death hit me. Or in Kindergarten when I skinned my knee but didn't want to appear as "weak" to the boys on the playground or to my teachers, so I sat in the bathroom stall holding my knee and biting my bottom lip. And when I received Tara's gifts and could taste her nearness...when I came out to Patty.
That is the extent to which I ever remember crying in my life. Last night was so random. But I feel better now. I don't know why.