coming out to myself and whoever else
im missing you @ 11:33 a.m. on 2003-01-25
What do you do? What do I do? The thoughts seep in and out of my mind. My body shakes. My hands stutter. My lips mute.
What does one do when they have found love, but cannot confess it? People should have that freedom. But unfortunately, not everyone does.
A select few do. And is love truly limited to only those select few? Not truly, but the world doesn't favor honesty. To the world, it's all about the exterior.
Reminiscing,...
My eyes were held captive all night. Every bone in my body was frozen...warmed by the light that manipulated my every and only move.
My heart fluttered, my eyes didn't blink and sixth row to the stage wasn't near enough.
I was in the sixth grade. My uncle took me to see an off-Broadway (Benny Cast) production of RENT at the Oprpheum in Downtown Memphis.
I was a naive twelve year old but was open to so much. Little to nothing in this world meant anthing to me.
The light had a name. But, all I remember is Tango Maureen.
I remember the black leather pants that stretched over her tight thigh muscles...the way she danced across the long table in a matching shirt that accented her pulsing chest and long flowing, curling hair. I could never forget my desire to touch the leather as it moved across her body.
I didn't know that it wasn't "normal" to feel this way.
My eyes chased her free-spirit, dancing the Tango Maureen. I felt a greatness that I had never felt before.
I didn't know that to some...one woman finding such greatness in another woman was a sin that would condemn one to hell.
Though my infatuation with the aura that she possessed was nothing more than a crush, she unknowingly left a great impact on the rest of my life.
It was something I rarely thought of, but never forgot.
Eventually, a title was put to that infatuation. They call it gay...lesbian...
When a title was given, I suddenly feared it. I feared myself. I feared others. I feared the world.
I felt the need to "go out with" as many boys as I could in attempts to avoid my true heart.
Each "relationship" would last as long as a week or as short as one class period. Over and over, my interest wore off quickly.
When I dated Seth, I put all of the thoughts into the back of my mind. He and I had fun. I truly cared for him and enjoyed when other people would comment..."he's so cute" or "y'all are perfect together". I enjoyed laughing with him. We had a similar sense of humor and that made my life seem somewhat carefree. But as far as intimacy, it never went past holding his hand or him kissing my cheek once. And, I was thankful for that. I didn't understand why people thought it should have gone further than that. He had the blonde hair-blue eyes that most girls die for...he was about my height...we went to the movies, we had dinner, we went to dances and parties and church. We lasted 11 months, until he moved to Georgia. We did have the "ideal" relationship. But, it never gave me complete happiness.
After Seth, there was a few little relationships. Then, Keith came. It was a long distance "relationship" that I kept for nearly three years.
After that ended, there was Justin. With him, I faced more problems. He had a gay friend and I always had to defend him. When I did, ... as well as defending him, I was defending myself.
It seemed that I was always having to argue "gay rights". Underneath, I was arguing my rights as well.
But, after all of the boyfriends and dating games, I have finally come to terms with the fact that my physical and emotional attraction towards men is very minimal.
In all fairness, my favoring the looks of a few "pretty boys" is as far as attraction goes. If that can be called attraction.
It probably hit me most when my favorite comedienne and tv show host Rosie O' Donnell "came out". I started to think about my situation more and was no longer hiding it from myself. To Rosie, it was not a "big deal" and that is how everyone should take it.
My attraction towards women is not the only thing about me...but is a part of me. As well as this attraction,...I am a student, a daughter, a friend, a poet, a filmmaker. I am right handed. I love old seventies' sitcoms. I love vegetables...among so many other things.
Deciding to face myself in a fight against this, I had a boyfriend and often commented on how "great" some guys were but inside, I knew that it was all lies.
I don't want to lie anymore.
Nothing fulfilled me, then.
Until I quit fighting and started accepting myself.
I might not always be accepted by everyone, but I will always have the love of someone that means the world to me. Tara.