And the beat goes on..
im missing you @ 4:50 p.m. on 2003-03-02
Upon realization, that I have been a complete loser in betraying my diary like this...it came to me that perhaps I am not only a loser for betrating Tango Maureen but for the utter truth that I have NOTHING to say.
I don't like hairy, perspiring (to say the least) men. I don't.
I spent this past weekend at a church retreat. That's right, folks. Did I enjoy it?
My email to Tara when I arrived back:
Tara,
It's 6:59 in the a.m., Sunday morning. I'm holding on to that last minute of FAR TOO EARLY in the morning and hoping that 7 o'clock never comes.
Inevitably, it will and I will turn my head from the clock and pretend I didn't see.
The weekend was long. Every minute I was reminded that it isn't the same as the years before...and I guess no matter how much I wish it were, it never will be. Wishin' and Hopin' only goes so far, I am reminded.
After around 36 full hours of swimming in voices shouting the name of God...I don't know whether I am disguisted or moved. People are so dependent upon God...I never wanted to be dependent. They think people like me are blind. I think they are.
I enjoy learning...through the 4 sessions that we had in our house, I listened attentively. I read verses. I discussed with people. I think it was enjoyable.
But, I can't fool myself.
As much as I love those people...
my best friend since Aug. 11, 1986 (the day Rachel was born)...several kids I grew up, rolling around in Day Care with...a member of my 5 tight knit group of friends from 2nd grade to 9th...an ex-neighbor but best guy friend I ever had...a member of my GT group since 2nd grade...ex boyfriend/best friend...his girlfriend...a once-upon-a-time when I acted, fellow actor...preschool classmates...twins that my mom taught in jr. high...a friend that calls me her sister...and so on...
As much as I love them, I could never be them. I could never believe this life that they live by. Probably in the same way that they can't believe my life.
Weird.
I missed you and that's all that matters. At night, when we'd turn out the lights and we'd all be laughing because that's just something that girls do when the lights go out and it gets quiet and....somebody flagulates. Eventually, all the laughter would die down and I would remember that my teddy bear, Snugs was under my pillow and I'd grab her out like I always do...say "I love you Tara" and kiss her on the cheek and eventually fall asleep.
Mmm...
Yea, I missed you. Miss you.
I hope that your weekend was an enjoyable one. You wil have to share me the details of your time spent this weekend in the wonderful city of Birmingham.
Rosie O' Donnell's True Hollywood Story comes on tonite at 7 on E! I wish that it were REVEALED. I hate hearing what other people have to say. I want to hear her.
Tara is experiencing some things now that I remember going through. How do I comfort her in a time like this? How do I let her know that "this too shall pass"...without it sounding overused and abused? without sounding like a 40 year old women that can do anything but relate? without tiring the statement "I understand"?
I love her so much. It goes above and beyond just a lover's relationship. It goes above and beyond anything I've ever experienced. But, my love doesn't matter at a time like this.
She matters. She is all that matters.
And this makes me ache. I wish that I could let her feel me embrace her...hold her...assure her...
but, that's selfish to think it would help anything.
Time cures.