tired
im missing you @ 7:42 a.m. on 2003-02-05
Morning isn't morning anymore without my raspberry tea...and leggo my eggo.
The morning is dull. Another Wednesday. Another nothing special. I'm tired of nothing special. So much of me is tired. I don't like feeling tired. I don't like feeling like a waste.
I have a little over a year left. I've got 16 years, 11 months and 11 days down. 16 years, 11 months and 11 days too many...too wasted.
Walking through this house, I feel so out of place. I feel trapped. I look at my feet walking the depths' of the floor and it seems so wrong. I find more hope in the grains of the raspberry tea at the bottom of my plastic cup. I find more hope with my eyes fixed on the world map in History class. Birmingham stands out. I feel Tara pull me nearer to her.
I fantasize about the life I have anticipated since I was young.
Although I do love the south. Embarassingly enough, I love grits and walking barefoot down gravel roads. I love how kids are raised to say "Thank You" no matter what...how "Yes Ma'am" comes second nature to breathing and chicken noodle soup is a definite cure to any illness. I even love the naivity of the old southern women. I love that everyone sleeps, eats and breathes college football and screams at the tv as if it directed the teams decision-making. I love how trees line every road and farm land stretches for miles.
But it is not what I want forever.
I want subway rides across town to business meetings and taxi rides at midnight. I want to have an organic food grocery within a few minutes and a coffee shop within walking distance of my place. My place...an apartment with my girlfriend and our pets. I want to jog the city streets at daybreak. I want diversity and acceptance. I want freedom and reality.
I'm tired of living in the epicenter of "Candyland". It's a one way road to unhappiness and a life of regrets.
I don't want that forever.